As I thought about this post, I quickly realized there are no simple answers, as there are an infinite amount of scenarios from which to draw one’s conclusions. My thoughts on this matter are based on my own personal experiences and my observations of the world at large which I can summarize in two short answers:
1) Yes, of course people can change; 2) it depends…
There are too many factors that go into someone’s ability to change to address in one short blog post. So I’ll touch on a few of these points.
I would love to hear about other people’s experiences and thoughts on the subject.
To my first point, Yes, people can change: Personally, I have been fortunate to have experienced changes in the most significant relationships in my life – and I suspect these are the result of subtle changes and growth that resulted not only in their growth but in mine.
When I was going through my divorce, my friend would often quote her mother, who was fond of the expression, A Leopard never change it spots; a phrase that is attributed to a verse in the bible, ; Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil. Jeremiah 13:23.
Her point was that I had been trying for 30 years to change my husband, who was less than considerate and often oblivious to other people’s needs. Once during a marriage counseling session, our counselor referred to him as a “Lion Heart”. He was so impressed with my husband’s large stature and feigned timidness that he seldom held him accountable when he didn’t show up for appointments or was caught telling lies.
What happened during the course of our marriage was that we both were becoming the worst versions of ourselves. Tied together for 30 years, I tried numerous tactics to get him to be someone other than he was, and he did the same with me. Several years after our divorce, we are on friendly terms and have found partners more suitable to our personalities. We are both happier and, I think, better people than we were when in a constant power struggle.
The second scenario that comes to mind is with my father. For many years our relationship was fraught. I felt I was a disappointment to him for my failings during my college years, and I was angry at him for being an absent father who cut me out when I needed him the most. I was both thankful that he had persevered during what must have been a living hell for him, raising four kids and dealing with my mom who had paranoid schizophrenia. When she was in and out of the hospital, he relied on others to take care of us. When she was home from the hospital, he was often away working long hours, and there were lots of things that went on that we had to deal with on our own. When he was home, I often played counselor to him, listening to how her illness impacted him, while the extent of his support for me was to tell me to just stay out of her way. When he kicked me out of the house with only a $50 bill, I felt alone and abandoned.
It wasn’t until my mom passed away many years ago, that my relatioship with my dad started to change. He is 90 years old now, and over the years we have grown closer, and he has become a more open, expressive person, who has been there for me during some tough times. He is still prone to talking only about himself, and I’ve spent a fair amount of time taking care of him, but there is a softer side to him now, and I am so grateful that we have a relationship now that I never would have dreamed would be possible in an earlier time.
Which leads me to my second point; people’s ability to change depends on many different factors. In my mom’s case, her illness made it difficult for her to sustain any sort of change in her ways of interacting with my family. Resources were few, medications were helpful but often caused debilitating side effects, and she was locked into a viscious cycle of paranoia and stupor which greatly impacted her relationships. Nonetheless, she bravely tried to meet the needs of our family, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Adverse childhood experiences impacted her as well, and she was prone to rages when she was unable to cope.
Poverty and environment can be a big factor in whether or not a person is able to change. When all of one’s energy is going towards survival and there are no resources or people around to assist, then making significant gains is extremely difficult, leading to generations of people who are stuck in a rut. Society contributes to this dilemma by maintaining systems and judgments about who is worthy and who is not, drawing invisible (and often real) borders that make it almost impossible to break through. Lack of education, housing, medical care, and support can hold down the most resiliant of people, and yet there are still so many examples of people who through extreme circumstances were able to raise themselves up.
The problem is when everyone is expected to be able to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” regardless of their individual obstacles and barriers.
It seems like many in society are quick to blame the less fortunate for their circumstances, as if we were all able to choose where we were born.
Power is another factor that seems to make it difficult for a person to change. One need only look at some of the recent leaders as well as those historical figures who have committed horrible atrocities with no remorse, driven by ideaologies that they are so entrenched in despite the harm they cause. What is so perplexing about these people is how they are able to get so many others to follow along with them to do their evil in the name of politics, religion, bigotry, and hatred. It is as if the world is afflicted with it’s own version of an autoimmune disease, with these entities destroying their own cells.
One story that gives me great hope is that of Megan Phelps-Roper, who was able to completely change her point of view and resulting hateful actions. Megan grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church, whose members were known for their hateful messages, views against gay people, and harassment of public figures such as picketing a soldier’s funeral with signs that said “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “You’re going to Hell”. Megan learned from an early age to eshew these viewpoints, and was out there picketing with the rest of the church members. She regularly posted her hateful views on Twitter, and would get into debates with people on that platform. Eventually she started listening to their viewpoints, and was able to completely change and walk away from this destructive church, even though it meant leaving behind people that she loved. If you want to be inspired by her story, I suggest reading her book Unfollow.
I could continue you with many other examples from various angles and points of view. In a later post, I will share more details about my own transformations over the years, and I would love to hear from others as well.
Essays on Life 
